MarySue and the pack of wild furrey rabid Ferret
by AlienMagicMonkeyMilk
Summary: Things were pretty normal till Hermione turned Draco into a Ferret..... what with Mary-sue not liking ferrets and all........ and 'it's all because im black' quoted the Albino ferret........


**Disclaimer:** _Don't own never_ will.__

**A/N:** _Hey it's Alien putting up Magic Monkey Milk's story. She doesn't know this. *hehe*_

**A/N:** _Yeah and this is Magic Monkey Milk who didn't know Alien was putting her story up (lol thanks Alien) and is just changing a few mistakes._

~*~

"Mr. Potter the headmaster would like to see you now in his office" McGonagall informed her student crisply. Harry Potter groaned loudly.   
'What now………' he thought glumly ' was it possible that Dumbledore was going to tell him that by some freakish circumstance Harry was in fact Dumbledore's grandson and also a direct descendent of Godric Gryffindor and the late Merlin himself. Which would also lead to a gate of Harry's untapped magical powers being opened making him more powerful than Dumbledore himself. In fact making Harry so powerful that he could do anything……. even fly.'   
Harry dragged his incredibly good looking feet behind him. His shoes were of course the most expensive brand because his Aunt had been hit on the head with a frying pan and was suddenly nice and it was also coincidental that Vernon and Dudley were in an unfortunate accident involving an elephant and now they too were nice. Anyway he got to the statue at the foot of the headmasters office stairs and he whispered the password.   
_'ieatcandyalldayandimstillnotfatmiracleshappen'_   
Eventually he made it to Dumbledore office and it was with great regret that he knocked on the door.   
"Come in Harry" a voice boomed from within. Harry cringed and thought fleetingly about committing suicide because ever since he realized that his life was a pile of afghan camel poo he has tried to kill himself many times and has resorted to writing dark poetry in a book he carried around with him everywhere. But back to the story…… he opened the door and was temporarily blinded by the brightness of Dumbledore's eyes as they twinkled in that twinkly way that they tended to twinkle.   
"Ahh yes Harry, I see you are even better looking than Orlando Bloom" _Author suddenly appears out of thin air- _**WHOA wait a SECOND old man. I am putting my foot down here! NOBODY and I repeat NOBDOY is better looking than Orlando Bloom!**   
Dumbledore rubs his chin and mulls things over.   
"Yes I have decided that you are absolutely right Orlando Bloom IS the sexiest beast in the world. How about I change it to Vin Diesel than" _Author nods gives Harry a suggestive wink and disappears again.   
_"As I was saying Harry you are even better looking than Vin Diesel _(cough not hard cough)_. It must have been those years of Quidditch training. God knows how physically demanding sitting on a broom doing nothing most of the time just using your eyes is. It's no wonder you have a 20 pack and your body is practically all muscle." Dumbledore looked Harry up and down appreciatively _(ewww gross).   
"Err right is that all? I'm late for my appointment with the giant squid in the lake; I'm going to let it eat me alive. First I want it to chew off my head and than………"   
"No actually Harry…." Dumbledore cut in. He than launched into a story about how Harry is really his grandson and therefore a direct descendent of Godric and Merlin. By the time he was done Harry had fallen asleep twice only to be awoken by the sheer brightness of Dumbledore's blue twinkling eyes.   
"So I'm more powerful than you yada yada yada blah blah blah. Is that all? I want to catch peeves before lunch maybe he could help me hang myself from the astronomy tower…"   
"No actually Harry…." Dumbledore cut in again a little rudely but of course Dumbledore could never be rude that would just be unlike Dumbledore so for the sake of the story we can pretend that Dumbledore cut him off politely…. If that's even possible _(not)_.   
"There is a girl your age transferring here from Beaxbatons today. She will be flooing in any minute now, isn't it all oh so convenient and unbearably unrealistic?" Dumbledore was positively beaming. Harry just pulled out a pocket knife and started inscribing **'kill me' into his arm. While he was doing this Dumbledore took the time to be a perverted old man and check him out because the author needs to take every opportunity she can to describe how Harry looks. His hair which he hadn't washed for quite some time **__(since 2nd year or so I was told, actually Lavender told Parvati who told Suzan who told Filch who told……… **(Ten minutes later)**__…… who told Moaning Myrtle who told me). Anyway his hair hadn't been washed or brushed in Merlin knows how long. Anyway it looked sooo good on his head with the whole I just woke up because gods we all know how good looking people are when they first wake up smelly breath, dribble down the chin and all…. Yeah that's what Harry looked like….. mmm sexy _(cough sarcastic cough)_.   
All of a sudden the fire lit and with a burst of green flames and someone tumbled out gracefully like a swan into Harry's oh so conveniently already outstretched arms _(Poor Harry)_.   
As soon as Harry saw her a strange light seemed to shine from within him. Yes readers it was love at first site for Harry…. Isn't it always?   
The girl blushed prettily (_how could such a girl blush any other way?)_ and she offered Harry __(who was flooring dashing as always with his mismatched socks and bedhead, not to mention porridge spilt down the front of his robes) where was I? Oh yeah she offered him a perfectly manicured hand.   
"Hi I vill introduce myselv, I iz being Mary-Sue hoveva shoo can call me Hoonyboony becauze I joost know you vill fall oon luv viv me in a veek. I vill call you Harrykinz" she said in a perfect French accent which strangely enough sounded nothing like a French accent and was more like a Chinese cross New Zealand cross Russian accent but it was French all the same.   
_(Translation: Hi I will introduce myself, I am Mary-Sue. However you can call me Hunnybunny because I just know you will fall in love with me in a week. I will call you Harrykins)_   
Harry who was taken in by the sheer beauty of the creature before him just nodded dumbly. How could someone be so beautiful? Her hair was a perfect white blonde and her eyes were a brilliant purple but they seemed to change depending on what mood she was in _(aye right & i'm Nessie, no really I am)_. She wore tight robes that showed her off in all the right places and signified her perfect womanly curves. She had to be about a z-cup __(there we go that's the important information right there. Cause we all want to know how big her boobs are don't we!)   
"Are you a Veela my sweet?" Harry asked breathlessly. She nodded.   
"Yes I am the daughter of the queen of the Veela's" Mary replied in a perfect British accent. It would seem after hearing Harry speak those 6 words she could imitate a British accent perfectly.   
"Oh my love, temptress of my dreams. Let us elope!" Harry cried flinging himself down on one knee.   
"Harry how could you?" Hermione shrieked. She and Ron had magically apparated into Dumbledore office because they were so magical that they could break through Hogwarts wards even though Voldermort himself couldn't. Oh and Dumbledore I forgot about him…. Let's say he's having a kip behind his desk ok.   
"Hermione!" Harry cried in alarm. He spun around to face his girlfriend. She was livid but she was even sexier if possible her hair flying out in all directions an angry shade of red completely covering her face like a rash _(mmm how sexy are rashes?)_. You see Hermione has gone through a magical transformation last summer and she was now the sexiest most beautiful smart witch in the school. She was also dating Harry Potter but that was about to change….. Or was it?   
"How could you Harry?"   
Harry pouted sheepishly.   
"I'm sorry Mione. But I don't love you anymore I love Mary-Sue. She is pregnant with my child and we are eloping to the Amazon to raise our children amongst a group of monkeys" Ron who was standing just next to Hermione dressed up in his clown gear because we all know that Ron is actually Ronald McDonald the happy clown from McDonalds.   
"Good for you Harry, I'm going to go to the bathroom and polish my wand now!" he said before disappearing. _(Author tries to stifle her laughter….. hmm yes Ronald you go and polish your wand. And while your at it why don't you put on a frilly dress and make up and find Ernie Macmillan and play with his wand a bit too!)_.   
Hermione suddenly burst into tears.   
"But I'm pregnant too Harry even though I have never been intimate with anyone. Actually this was an immaculate conception and I just know you're the father" she sobbed into his robes _(she had earlier flung herself on him)_. Suddenly Draco Malfoy appeared.   
"Harry dawg wazzup my brotha?" He rapped. It was a well known fact that Draco had killed his father in a fit of despair one night and now he was a friendly Homeboy who was best friends with the Golden trio now making them the rainbow Quadro.   
"Hermione and Mary-sue are both pregnant with my child" Draco raised an eyebrow and smirked his oh so idiosyncratic smirk.   
"So your bitches have buns in the oven eh, bad luck niga!" Hermione's eyes went red.   
"BITCH! I AM NOT! FERRET YOU ARE" she said in a Yoda __(no wizard's have not heard of Star Wars, well apart from Muggle-borns) like voice before turning Draco into a ferret.   
"It's because I'm black isn't it?' The perfectly Albino Draco-Ferret squeaked before letting out a high pitched shriek. Out of the blue a whole army of ferrets came and settled behind him.   
"Ewww I hate Ferrets, they are sooo icky!" Mary-sue cried her perfect nose crinkled in disgust.   
"What?" Draco shrieked. All of a sudden the whole army of ferrets led by Draco were on Mary-sue ripping her skin and hair from her flesh eating her whole. The process of being eaten alive amidst her loud screams and please for help lasted about 5 minutes and finally the ferrets were done leaving only a few bones.   
"Well thank god she's gone" Harry said smoothly as he wrapped an arm around Hermione.   
"Yeah and look how cute Draco is, what a good ferret. Can we keep him?"   
"Hermione my dear….. frankly I don't give a damm!" And they both began to whistle and walked off into the sunset arm in arm a certain white ferret resting on Harry's shoulder. All of a sudden they burst into a colorful rendition of we are the champions and Hermione went into labor……. Harry lifted her into his arms and took off flying into the sky towards St Mungo's. _

**The End **

**A/N:**_ So tell us what you think more anti Mary-Sues or Anti-Ron stories.****_

**A/N**_: Yeah and if you flame us please (in a typically Mary-sue fashion) leave your name, e-mail address, home address and phone number and we will get back to you right away MWA HA HA HA HA! Oh and thank Alien for coming up with the idea having a joint account dedicated to hating Ron and all Mary-Sues. ~cheers! Magic Monkey Milk_


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